Vítáme Vás...

...which means, according to Mr Google's translation, "welcome" in Czech. So a big warm Vitame Vas to all you readers of the recently released Czech language edition of the book formerly known at FAR HORIZON (or Vzdleny Horizont, as we say in Czech).

It's a nice surprise receiving a foreign translation of one of my books. To see an old yarn reborn with a new cover and (often) a new name is always exciting. It's also interesting to see how different people in different lands interpret the same story, via the cover.

Full marks go to my very good friends at TEA, my Italian publishers, for their design of the cover for Sotto il Cielo dell' Africa, (above) which means "Under an African Sky" (originally called African Sky). Is Italian the language of romance or what? Is this not a beautiful cover?

Stefano, the publisher at TEA, is a great guy who keeps me up to date with how things are going in Italy. He says they're in the process of deciding which book to release next and he's already said he's keen to read the soon-to-be-released SILENT PREDATOR. Is it any wonder, Legion of Fans (LOF) that Italy is one of my most favourite non-African countries in the world?

And speaking of SILENT PREDATOR, LOF, the release is imminent - as is your chance to scam some free wine and nibblies at a library near you, and your chance to win the HUMUNGOUSLY ENORMOUS LUXURY SAFARI FOR TWO TO AFRICA!!!!! (more details soon, so stay blogged).

Chick lit or hairy chest? You be the judge

Warning: This entire post is an elaborate subterfuge to cover what is essentially a piece of shameless self-promotion (like the rest of this blog) aimed at highlighting the fact that my fourth book, SAFARI is now available in the small handbag-friendly A-format paperback size (RRP AUD$19.95 available at all good booksellers)

“You’re writing chick books,” a mate of mine said to me in the latter stages of a boozy lunch at Circular Quay recently.

“Am not,” I burped.

“Are too.”

And so it went on for a while, like that, until I asked my friend, Jimbob, to explain his remark.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the books, but they’re essentially chick books.”

“Please explain further.” I was more than a little intrigued.

“Well, let me put it this way… (burp). None of your lead male characters would ever kill a dog, would they?”

I sat back in my chair and took another long sip of beer, savouring what was turning out to be one of those classic half-drunk pub debates. Interesting way to define whether a particular book, if not genre, is aimed principally at one half of the population, don’t you think? But it got me thinking.

Jimbob’s premise was that a woman (or chick in the case of this discussion) would not read a book in which the hero was prone to, say, kicking or shooting dogs. Therefore, by a process of elimination, he had determined that a book that featured animal cruelty (though certainly he was not condoning this, as he owns a cute little dog called Obi-Wan Ben Kenobi) would be a ‘boy’ book.

A couple of my characters in past books – all of them villains – have hunted big cats, though to the best of my recollection none has ever killed or even injured a dog.

“Your books have happy endings and strong lead female characters,” Jimbob continued.

Hmm. Maybe he had something.

My incredibly attractive, witty, well-read publisher, C, who looks like Grace Kelly (when Grace was alive and young) has informed me in the past that the majority of people who buy my books are women. This could be because the majority of all books are bought by women (which, I believe, is a fact) but until my recent lunch I was still labouring under the misapprehension that these women were buying my books in the main for husbands, brothers, fathers, boyfriends etc.

Then I got to thinking some more (it was a very long lunch)…

I estimate that about 70 per cent of the people who email me after reading one of my books are women. Does this mean that 70 per cent of my readers are female, or just that chicks are more likely to email strange (as in unknown, not weird) male authors than men? I relayed this observation to Jimbob.

“There you go,” he said, downing another expensive beer (he was paying, on his corporate card). “Seventy per cent. Chick lit.”

My fourth book, SAFARI, has just been released in A-format paperback, which is the little handbag-friendly size, as opposed to the big clunky trade paperback first release.

“Aha!” said Jimbob. “And who buys those little books?”

I nodded, resignedly. “Chicks.”

“Bet you sell a lot of them.”

More nodding. “Especially at the airport. All those chicks reading on the planes while their husbands watch Keira Knightly in Pride and Prejudice on the in-flight movie, but with the volume turned down so you don’t need to listen to the Jane Austen crap,” I said.

“OH? So you do that too?” Jimbob said.

I nodded.

“That’s it, my friend,” said Jimbob, who can sound a bit like George Costanza at times. “Chick books.”

I was described in a newspaper review once as a new entrant to the “hairy-chested-Africa-with-elephants” genre. Didn’t sound too girly too me, but what do reviewers know?

I was wondering who, then, were these men who were writing about dead dogs. Then last week, I picked up a book by Deon Meyer, a South African writer whose work I really like.

Imagine my surprise when about 20 pages into the book a lead character viciously kicks a German Shepherd (and its owner) in their respective faces. I was shocked, Legion of Fans (LOF)! Had I discovered, I wondered, a boy book?

The character responsible for the kicking was shaping up as a good guy up until that point, but then I started to wonder. Deon (and I do love your work), I wonder if you know that you have set yourself up for a big test here? If the man who kicks the dog is, indeed, a good guy (though I suspect he is not) then you are writing boy books. If not, according to the Jimbob index, then you, too, are writing chick books.

In late breaking news (I’m writing this post over two days), two relatives and one friend have called to say that the A-Format (chick edition) of SAFARI is featured in the Big W chainstore’s Mother’s Day catalogue here in Australia.

Interesting, because last year the big (presumably man-sized) paperback was in the father’s day catalogue.

I hope, of course, that all this means that I am actually writing books for the entire population, and not just 50 per cent of it.

Thank you, C (my witty, attractive publisher), for editing out all those dog-killing and Lesbian scenes from my early drafts. No doubt the women of Australia, Africa and Europe thank you, as well.

So, happy Mother’s Day to all you mums (or moms if you’re in South Africa) who get a copy of SAFARI on Sunday. You’ll find it contains medium level violence, coarse language, sex scenes, lots of gunplay, but absolutely no dog killing.

(note: no dogs were harmed or killed in the early drafts of any of my books – that was a joke. However, I cannot say the same thing about Lesbian scenes.)

Eat at Zebra's and save a wild dog

Attentive readers will recall that the African Wild Dog - or the Painted Dog as it is more politely known - is one of my favourite animals.

They sniff bums, drag aforementioned behinds on the ground, wee on Land Rover tyres, grin lopsidedly and sillily, and have a 90 per cent-plus success rate in bringing down prey. All in all an excellent animal to view in the wild.

However, on a very serious note, the wild/painted dog is Africa's most endangered mammal.

The Painted Dog Conservation (Inc) people in Perth, WA, are dedicated to the survival of this very cool predator and it is my very great pleasure to be involved in a fundraising event on June 24, 2008, to help raise some money for this very worthy cause.

I'll be in Perth at the time to launch/spruik my next book, SILENT PREDATOR and I urge you all, LOF, to come along to the Painted Dog event and support this worthy cause and eat good African food and consume find African beer and wine.

I will be talking about my recent travels in Africa and I promise not to talk (too much) about Land Rover clutch plates.

So, here are the details:

What? Painted Dog Fundraising function/shameless Tony Park self-promotion (for a good cause, though)

Where? Zebra's African Steakhouse - a legendary venue. 1 Point Walter Road, Bicton, WA

When? June 24, 7pm

How much? $60 for a three-course meal. Bargain, or what?

If you're up for it, contact Angela at lemonj@ozemail.com.au

Warning: There will be a good deal more promotion of this event and other engagements in the weeks to come.

OMG, more news that you can poke a stick at

From nothing to report, to too much to include in one post.

Where to start, LOF? I have no idea and it's too late at night to even start trying.

I'll throw in a few highlights to wet your communal appetite.

- Almost finished a workable draft of Book 6
- Been on a cargo ship to Lord Howe Island (note to African readers - small sub-tropical island off the coast of Australia famous for its former Miss Australia and palm seeds) in the name of research
- Finishing touches being put on a four-state, two-country book tour for release of book 5, SILENT PREDATOR. Readers in NSW, Queensland, Victoria, WA and NEW ZEALAND brace yourself for the Mr Blog Roadshow.
- SAFARI now available in A-format (little, handbag size paperback)
- DETAILS OF MEGA HUGE COMPETITION IN WHICH TWO LUCKY READERS CAN WIN A SERIOUSLY HUGE LUXURY SAFARI HOLIDAY TO AFRICA IMMINENT
- Mr Blog rubs shoulders with diplomats, expats, and the Canberra elite at recent South African Freedom Day celebration

You must bear with me Legion of Fans (LOF) as all four of you have a good chance of winning the luxury holiday and/or sharing free wine with me at one of dozens of library tours around Australia.

Phew.

Extreme Land Rover Makeover

It's been a long time, too long, Legion of Fans (LOF) since I've updated you all on the life of Tonka, our trusty 1984 Series III Land Rover.

Tonka lives in Zimbabwe and we pick him (unlike many other motor vehicles he is a he, not a she) up each year, load him with our camping gear and set off into the wilds of Africa for another series of disasters which later come to be known as adventures.

Rugged, though slighly dented, Tonka was feeling every one of his 24 years on our last trip. His rear was sagging; his bodily fluids leaking; his steering was wandering; his exhaust was belching and his doors were not closing.

People in southern Africa were starting to think that all Australian men were cultured gentlemen, after seeing me escort Mrs Blog to her side of the vehicle and then close her door for her. In fact, Tonka's passenger side door was sagging so much on its hinges that I had to use all of my inconsiderable muscle just to close it, lest Mrs Blog roll out onto the road and be eaten by a lion.

After spending a considerable amount of money and boring many a reader senseless with my purchase and importation of a reconditioned gear box and transfer box from England, you can perhaps imagine my disagreeableness at learning that all the selector shaft seals were shot and that our very shiny new gearbox was losing about a litre of oil every two days. Were I not such an obsessive-compulsive checker of Land Rover oil levels, we would have ground to a halt and burned out the gear box in less than a week.

I was never a car person. In Australia I don't even have one - haven't had one for 13 years in fact. When I did own a car I was hard pressed even finding a dipstick, let alone changing my own oil. In Africa, however, a little OCD is a good thing when it comes to lubricants.

Anyway, after searching Zimbabwe for a new Land Rover doctor (we've had a succession of malpractice episodes in recent year thanks to the brain and skills drain from Zimbabwe) we found a new surgery. Doctors Frik and Rex of Harare may feature in future blogs in glowing terms, if they deliver our baby as promised in the near future.

In our absence Tonka is getting:

- New doors

- New rear springs (heavy duty, off a Santana for the real Land Rover nuts out there)

- Steering overhauled

- Gear box seals and, alarmingly, two bearings replaced - whatever that means

- Something done to the engine which I do not understand

- A complete respray

- New handbrake expander (I do, in fact, know what that means, so there)

- Panel beating, and

- Anything else fixed that the good doctors can find and charge us for.

It's a big job, this extreme makeover, make no mistake about it.

Tonka cost about AUD$5000 when we bought him 10 years ago, so some readers may be a little surprised to learn that when I called Dr Frik to find out how the repairs were progressing and to get a rough estimate of the final bill be said; "Oh, about US$5000 or so. Certainly no more than US$7000."

"Goodness gracious me," I said to Dr Frik. Actually, that's not quite correct. I do believe the F word may have been used.

As I staggered across the loungeroom looking for something to cling to, Mrs Blog started rolling around on the floor and frothing at the mouth, swearing like a Turrets sufferer and reaching for things to throw at me.

"Lordy, Lordy, Dr Frik, perhaps you've made a slight error with your calculations. Might it be possible for you to double check? Tonka cost us much less than that estimate," I said, as Mrs Blog reached for a long carving knife. (Actually, I may have used the F word somewhere in there again.). I wasn't sure whether she was going to kill herself, me, or perhaps leap down the phone and give Dr Frik a quick lesson in traumatic vascectomy surgery.

"Oh, sorry. I was thinking about the DEFENDER we're replacing the engine and gearbox in," Dr Frik said hurriedly into the phone. Defenders are much newer and more expensive than the Series III.

"My wife has just fainted," I informed Dr Frik. He revised his estimate downwards - considerably - and the conversation ended on amicable terms.

I've spoken to Dr Frik a couple of times since and he always takes the time to ask after Mrs B's health.

Here's hoping that the final reconcilliation of Tonka's hospital bill will be like the outcome we're all praying for in the Zimbabwean elections - transparent, peaceful, financially responsible, and bloodless.

Today's Zimbabwean heroines

Full marks to ABC Lateline (after bagging the program in the last post) for tracking down Zimbabwean lawyer Gugulethu Moyo in London for an interview on tonight's program. Some very interesting observations from Ms Moyo about Zimbabwe's high court judges, at least one of whom seems to be having an each-way bet by supporting the MDC's appeal to have the election results posted poste haste.

She'd make a good president in an ideal world. Sadly, we don't live in an ideal world.

Tonight's other heroines are Scotty and Sal, from different parts of Zimbabwe who, as they put it, are getting on with life, such as it is inside Zimbabwe.

The act of living in Zim is a full time job these days and these ladies are getting on with the job.

Hopefully, as we say here on the Blog, it will be big news next week.

Reports from anonymous sources inside the country say the word on the streets is that even those in uniform are hoping for a change. And that's not a bad titbit to end on.

Voting results

Well, Legion of Fans (LOF) the results of at least one African poll came in this week. I am officially a runner-up in the South African Blog Awards. I was pleased to make the final cut and wish to thank all of you who voted for me, and the academy, and my mom, and my wife etc etc...


Sadly, the results of the Zimbabwean elections are still unkown. Perhaps the only thing less informative than the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission at the moment is the world's media.


Like many others around the world I have been avidly watching the coverage of the elections and been staggered both by Comrade President's resilience and the shallowness of the reporting.


OK, it would be easier if the Zimbabwean Government allowed foreign journalists access to the country, but even those who are there (dramatically reported as "in hiding") seem to be as clueless as everyone else about what is actually happening behind the scenes in the kiahs of power.

The ABC and BBC's super sleuths relegate their coverage to peeks out the window, where they observe "...riot police on the street". These voice overs are usually accompanied by vision that by my estimation is about eight days old now.

Other than these two brave souls we are treated to the views of journalists reporting "from the border of Zimbabwe".

Back home, the attention to detail in the reporting mirrors the lack of interest in the country at non-election times. Even though the ABC's Lateline Program airs more about Zimbabwe outside of elections than other channels, Anchor Tony Jones described Tanzania, Zambia and South Africa as "neighbouring countries". Two out of three ain't bad, Tone.

The ABC's 7.30 Report managed to produce an "in depth" report on the eve of the elections without making a single mention of the breakaway ZANU PF minister Simba Makoni, whose support for the MDC will be crucial in any run-off election (if he doesn't prove himself to be a Mugabe stooge in the next couple of weeks).

The only bright notes (from a media coverage perspective) that I could detect over the past week were a very interesting SBS TV interview with Jim Holland, husband of MDC politician Sekai Holland, who was also in Harare, but unlike out international correspondents had something informative to say about the voting; and an interview on the aforemention bagged Lateline with MDC MP David Colthart, who must rank as one of the best political media performers in the world today.

People keep asking me what I think. I don't know. Even though I can place Tanzania on a map I don't have a clue whether nor not Robert Mugabe will wake up one morning, come to his senses and step down gracefully (though I wouldn't be putting my house on it), or if there will be strife in the streets.

Zimbabweans, I do know, are slow to anger and have a healthy respect for the rule of law. If only the law would rule legally, Africa would be less lawless. If you know what I mean.

I called a friend in Zim the other day to ask him for his take on the situation and he said: "You know more than we do. We don't have electricity so we can't even watch the television news."

All he would have seen was some guy reporting from the border, wondering what was going on down the road from where my friend was standing, quite literally, in the dark.

Big news next week...

...which actually was, believe it or not, a headline carried once upon a time by a now defunct local newspaper in Sydney called the St George Voice. I worked on the rival newspaper, which prided itself on having news every week (twice a week, in fact). The Voice's only other claim to fame was that it had a transsexual photographer.

But I digress. There is no news in Blog Land this week, other than the alarmingly narrow margin by which the leopard skin wallpaper on the blog survived my inaugural Blog Poll. The 12-10 result in favour was much closer than I expected. I suspect Mother Blog was marshalling a few votes against the skin, as she is something of an animal rights activist and no doubt has some philosophical problems with animal pelts (even virtual) being used for decoration.

Oh, and the other news is the Zimbabwean elections, which are usually about as rigorous as a Tony Park Blog Poll (and subject to a similar amount of gerry mandering and skullduggery. I, like Comrade President, would not survive scrutiny by an independent team of election monitors).

So, the leopard skin is here to stay, though I hope Comrade Robert Gabriel Mugabe will soon be consigned to the history books (and, with a bit of luck, the World Court).

I'm raving, Legion of Fans (the two of you who have stuck it out this far into this boring post) because my head is crammed with my own writing and it is doing me in. I have been proof-reading the soon-to-be-released SILENT PREDATOR (get that, search engines?) and editing he as yet-unnamed Book 6.

My profound thanks go to Muriel and Hann, who shared this onerous task with me for SILENT PREDATOR, and of course to Mrs B, Mother B, and Mother-in-law B, who all took their turns reading and fixing the sex scenes.

No other news, except that the eagerly awaited results of the South African Blog Awards will be out in a couple of days' time. If I win the best travel blog category then expect to see much shameless self promotion.

If I lose, then expect to hear nothing more about the SA Blog Awards (at least for another year) and little more from me for a while as I scuttle, shamefaced, back to my editing.

So, pray for Big News, both here and in Zimbabwe.